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salutations

step into my insanity...

DISCLAIMER:: Do not read if you have eleven toes. Serious side effects may include: raging and trolling.

I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. Everyone needs to stop breaking everything down into their ugliest parts and explaining things. don’t see things for each microscopic atom that makes itself into something so much larger. Whoever made them, made them impossible to see, so obviously they aren't meant to be. try to go places that you’ve never been allowed to, to see things that no one else ever has. Fact is, we will die. But the goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. something like a landmark, a piece of art, or even just a memory, as long as you get credit. society is making an ideal picture that i don’t want to be apart of.-Crystal Bassous

Can't Help This Feeling

Friday, January 30, 2009

When people feel lonely, generally it's just a phase or maybe something is going on in that persons life at the moment.

On one hand, I don't think I have ever felt lonely personally. Sure sometimes I want someone with me or whatever, but I never sacrifice my happiness to that feeling.

Some people could be in a room full of people, and still feel lonely, but others can never seem to feel that way, even in a room all by themselves.

I consider myself to be half way to lonely.

untitled

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ever just given up? I have, and sometimes it saves you the heartache, and sometimes...it leave you wondering about what the fuck could have happened if you had just given it one shot.

I hate taking the leap of faith for people, because it is very rare that someone actually catches me and everything works out the way I hoped it would. But because my life seems to be a slow, downward spiral too often than not, it never happens the way I wanted it to. But I have the understanding that it's life of course, you can't always get what you want. Then again, it would be nice to get a break from it every once and a while you know?

Isn't That Convenient?

So this day is turning out just wonderful isn't it? Well, for me, not so much, for you, hopefully better.

Ever fell in love with someone, and then they disappear for a long time, and during that time you focus on trying to get over them and maybe go after someone else? Yeah, well that is exactly what I was going through but now, he's coming back to school for second semester.

Could life get anymore complicated? I am seriously into some other guy, and then the love of my life shows up and has to destroy all the progress I have made in the attempt to get over him! Even worse, his best friend really likes me, and I can't handle tearing two friends from each other, it's just not right. I cannot see why any of this should happen, I don't know why he loves me back, when I know we can never really be together.

I am much better off wondering what could have happened, I mean, I think I can live with that...okay so maybe not but there is no way I could live with myself knowing that I tore two friends apart. I don't like when people fight, and it's even worse when they are fighting over you. As chivalrous as that may sound, it is truly not as flattering as in the movies. I cannot imagine the tension I have caused between those two and they have known each other for years! And me, one simple girl, is at the brink of ruining it all. I could never live with myself if that happened.

But still...oh how my heart beats for him...

Wow, that sounded like some sappy love poem..

Friendship

Sunday, January 25, 2009

So a little while ago, I was shown that I trust too easily, and way to fast. At the beginning of high school, I made some new friends and became close with this one girl...let's just call her Amy. Anyways me and Amy became really close, told each other secrets and really began to bond and all that jazz. But from the very beginning I was a little iffy with Amy, she would always get caught telling the littlest lie, like if she blew off plans or something was wrong, she would start to tell a lie and I would catch her but then she would come out with the truth.

I never understood why she did this, maybe it was just habit, maybe something as going on at home that I was unaware of, but still, it was unnecessary.

Well, last month or so ago, Amy started piling on the lies. Telling me she had had sex with her boyfriend back in her home town. She also told me that a boy she went on a date with, got hit by a car and died right there in front of her.

And yes, I am a sympathetic person, and there are so many more lies that she told, but I am just trying to show how she buried herself.

For one thing, if you saw a guy die right before your eyes, you would not be on MSN or whatever, telling people about it, you would be devastated, I do not know one person whose first thought would be to go on the computer. Given that everyone deals with grief in different ways, but that is not one really. Wouldn't it make sense to stick around at the scene and answer a few questions? Yeah, I caught her there. Then she comes and tells me that it was all a lie and that she made up the date to get back at some other girl I do not like, because this girl supposedly "got" with Amy's crush or whatever.

Oh and if you haven't already guessed, the sex thing was a lie.

I do not see why people feel the need to make up these things to get attention. Amy is pretty, and a generally nice person, for her to do that shocks me. But it also is a blow to the face because I can see now that I had always had doubts, but I wanted to prove myself wrong. I wanted to prove that even though I was iffy, well, everybody lies about anything right? And sometimes you can never tell because some people are just so good at it. But it saddens me that I put faith and trust and time into her, tried to see why her actions were wrong and then in the end she still could not see what she had done, was wrong. It's frustrating, and I find it was a waste of time and energy trying to change someone who didn't want to hear the truth.

I guess you can't make someone want to change,

Appearances

So this week I am going to go get a hair cut just for the start of second semester, but....I want to try something new.

Is there really something that controls us to how our hair should look like, or what we want it to look like? I remember I used to have really curly, unruly hair, so I fixed it so it's straight, which I hate because curly is coming back into style and now my hair is limp and blah. What drove me to change my hair? Probably the media.... but I am upset with myself that I was unable to step away from the pressures coming from the images I see on TV and to just be happy with the way I am.

Anyways, I was looking through hairstyle websites, and noticed that they were all the same. We are all forced into this, this form of looking like each other, embodying what each of us hopes to look like one day. For lack of a better word, we are clones of what we see, no, what is presented to us.

Can anyone honestly believe that models on the front cover of a magazine actually look like that? It's ridiculous, my friend is a model, and most of the time, it's just her head, and someone else's body. The body that the industry wants her to have, but she doesn't have exactly what they are looking for. Honestly! It pisses me off because NO ONE looks like that. And even worse, girls actually believe people look like that so they starve themselves, alter their bodies with dangerous surgeries, spend money on expensive makeup...all chasing this stupid dream of looking like a video hoe.

And guys, seriously, don't compare because I am pretty sure you want your girlfriend to be real and not made of plastic do you? No girl will ever look exactly like that unless you altered her appearance in a drastic way. No girl can be as perfect as that image in the magazine that was altered by a computer. So why do we want it so bad? Because of all that crap TV and magazines poison us with.

Why can't everyone be happy with who they are? What is wrong with flaws? Sometimes they are attractive, and it would be terrible if everyone looked the same.

Be yourself,

I was just thinking...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Is there really a meaning to the lives we live these days? We live, we love, we cheat, we hate. But in the end, we die.

There must, no. Has to be something more to it, the way people live now is a disgrace because we are cruel to everyone around us, and greedy and heartless. Is there someway we can get back on track?

Remember how I told you about my childhood? Well, here is a story for you...

On July 17th, maybe...two years ago? My friend Hannah and I were at the park in downtown Toronto with Rylie. Rylie was 17 then and so I guess we were 15.... yeah sounds about right.

I remember being there on the swings, and Rylie got really tense when these three big black guys walked up to us and started cussing and swearing. Rylie told me and Hannah to go home and to forget we were even there. But we didn't, we ran away and hid in the bushes to watch what was going on. We were scared, but very unaware.

All I remember is these guys grabbing Rylie, throwing him around a bit, and when he finally had had enough, they shot him in the back of the head. I have never seen anything so disgusting and horrific in my entire life. Hannah and I waited until the guys left, and maybe even a couple minutes more just to be sure. And then we ran.

The thing about that was, I didn't look back, we didn't look back. Rylie might have had one last breath but we never looked back. I moved out of town to make sure no one would go looking for me for being a witness, and Hannah went and moved in with her mom since her father was put in jail shortly afterwards.

To this day I still do not know why those guys killed Rylie, and I am not even sure if the police ever caught them, maybe they did and were let off because we were to scared to tell anyone, or to let them see our faces. I had nightmares for an entire year and even though I live in a small little town with no violence, I still can't help the feeling like someone might off me while I am walking home from school. The friends I have made now are unaware of this situation, and I have only told maybe one person whom I truly trust. The tragedies of my past have not really affected my future, but they have changed me as a person.

I don't understand why people treat others the way they do. A simple argument can end horribly wrong these days, and it could be over the littlest thing.

This world scares me sometimes, and knowing that there might never be an escape...

Change is greatly needed,

The "She"

When people talk about each other, do they say this openly to other people in order to start some sort of drama? Or is it just for the sake of talking. If it were not for rumors, I am pretty sure life would be boring, because we all lead slightly pathetic lives at some point or another, and when you hear about some one's excitement, you can't help but gush about it for a week or two.

Now imagine yourself as the subject of that gossip. The "she" of the whole shebang. Did you really want your personal business out there floating around the school, being whispered into the nearest persons ear? Does your name sound like something that needs to have something negative follow it? If something happens to you, and the next day, you are being bombarded with questions, is that really fair?

But then, when you are not that person, you never think about that do you? You just figure, well somehow we found out, so maybe it was meant to be shared. But is it really? Is it right to tell everyone you know that she is pregnant? That she slept with her best friends boyfriend? That she got drunk at a party and did inappropriate things?

Picture yourself standing there in the very group that is discussing your latest fault, and then picture that they are unaware that you are there. It is discovered that your true friends reveal most about themselves when you are not around, when opportunity knocks, some friends always answer the door even if it is at your expense.

Now picture being the only friend that wouldn't open that door of opportunity. Imagine how you look to others, telling them to stop and not spreading anything. Imagine falling victim of those rumors too, and then imagine your friend still not trusting you.

You can never have it both ways,

LifeLove

It suddenly hit me how life seems plays itself out. I always had this thing that when we all go to heaven, God will smile at us and say "funny stuff eh?" as if life was only a soap opera in which he wrote the script.

There's never any explanation for anything that happens in life, which is very confusing. Everyone says, 'everything happens for a reason', but you can never figure out that reason can you? Not even if you spend your entire life trying to figure it out.

So that is why I have stopped analysing the very day we met. Instead I just remember and reminisce over and over again. I remember sitting in class and hearing your voice speak your own name, the letters rolling off your tongue. I had to turn around and see what you looked like, I just had to.

The moment our eyes met, your brown eyes dark and chocolate, it made my mouth water, and I wanted you from that very moment. You smiled a quirky smile, extended your hand and introduced yourself, "I'm Terrence" you said, and of course, I had swallowed my tongue and forgotten my name. Of all the time in the world, there did not seem enough in that class, but at the end of the day, you had found my locker and walked me to my bus, and told me you'd see me tomorrow.

That day is one I cannot forget no matter how much I try to. Why had we met? Was it fate that had put us in the same class? Or was it just coincidence? Why was it that your voice made me shiver with pleasure when you spoke your own name? And why was it that your eyes, your smile, you made me melt where I stood.

You hear people talking about their first love, and the many loves after that, but I cannot see myself loving anyone else but you...if only you could see it. It drives me insane not knowing how you feel and I hate myself for not having the courage to tell you.

Does love mean anything these days though? People throw each other aside as if they had felt nothing for them since the beginning, this life is all about getting what you want, but in this case, I only want you, and it's silly that I can't have you because of my own fears. I am the only thing holding me back, if that makes sense.

Sometimes I see you staring at me, and I blush and turn away from your gaze, and don't glance back. Sometimes you try to make me laugh even when I am not talking to you. Do you want my attention Terrence? Do you feel the same way? Does anything I do make you melt at the sight of me?

Questions that may forever go unanswered,

First Thoughts

Friday, January 23, 2009

So basically, here is the gist of things...

Life being a girl can be tough, and it's finally time that our stories our shared and heard.

So basically, this is my story, in each little blog I post.

To start off, I'm Zana, which really isn't my real name, and for privacy matters, none of the names on this blog are real.

I was born and raised in Toronto, where my parents worked hard so that we could escape the ghetto and give me and my sister a better future. What I vaguely remember from my childhood is pretty dark, but we'll save that for another day.

There is nothing in my life I can say I regret, whether it was going to a party that ended up going terribly wrong, or falling in love with that guy who didn't catch me.

I guess this blog is going to be used as a release for me, and hopefully someone will read it, otherwise, I am just typing out some thoughts that never really will be heard will they?

More tomorrow,